Chinese Food Network Presents 3 Minute Meals
The cable company is always adding channels I didn’t ask for, but Chinese Food Network delivers recipes that are both quick and healthful — just stay away from the fried stuff.
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This recipe for “Broccoli with benzene” isn’t half bad, but it still doesn’t taste exactly like the version I get at Main Ling down the street. Probably because they use imported benzene.
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It can’t be stressed enough — you need to be sure the lead is fully melted, otherwise it results in a slimy mouthfeel and reduced brain functioning.
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Don’t be a cheapskate and buy the generic melamine. You totally lose the depth of flavor compared to artisanal melamine, preferably locally-sourced.
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America’s first “green prison”
California’s Berkeley Hills Center for the Legally Challenged proves that killing others doesn’t have to mean killing the planet. The new 500,000 square foot, fully LEED certified complex brings environmental consciousness to offenders convicted of the unconscionable.
From prison walls hardened by a tough straw-bale core to barbed wire rolled from recycled aluminum, residents of Berkeley Hills enjoy naturally climate-controlled cells thanks to smart placement of breezeways and an extensive roof lawn. And when the guards yell “lights out”, the lights that go out are energy-efficient CFL bulbs which use 80% less power than comparable penitentiary lighting.
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A full recycling program at Berkeley Hills combined with lots of free time makes it easy for prisoners to separate their newspapers, glossy papers, plastics, cans, bottles, batteries, tires, paints, and yogurt tubs. |
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Inmates are supplied with 100% biodegradable utensils, including a versatile spork just as useful for scooping up mashed peas as carving out the eye of a traitorous snitch. |
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Tending an edible prison yard helps teach convicts the value of (plant) life. |
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Berkeley Hills’ sunny climate year-round means short and humane waiting periods on Death Row. |
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With its recent 1200-acre expansion, Berkeley Hills has ample space for every prisoner to biodegrade naturally for as long as this planet lasts. |
Microsoft Relationship Support
Most people know Bill Gates as a computer genius and the richest man in America, but you may not realize he also has a gift for love. Matters of the heart are no more mysterious to him than memory allocation in the .NET programming framework.
Shortly before his recent retirement, Gates expanded Microsoft’s comprehensive knowledge base to help you troubleshoot the poorly documented realm of human intimacy. [Click image below for large view] [Also @ News Groper]
Drug addicts rejoice — for the Coke of the Month Club
Stop snorting lines of overpriced swill! Snuff out that flavorless street crack! Whether you are a casual white collar user earning six figures or an indigent addict squatting in a condemned warehouse, you’re getting tired of the same old thing. Join the Coke of the Month Club right now and you’ll receive a regular supply of gourmet gutter glitter specially chosen by our globe-trotting ghost busters.
There’s no place we won’t go, and no law we won’t break, to bring the freshest, hand-crafted coke directly to your door or alley. Subscribe now and you’ll receive our Snow White Sampler—four flavorful grams of our most popular lines and rocks. If you don’t get amped out of your fucking skull you can cancel your subscription at any time and keep the free blow as our gift to you!
Your free no-obligation Snow White Sampler includes:
 Bolivian bubble gum: A single-varietal rock formulated at the peak of ripeness. Its pillowy soft mouth feel is perfect for users with few or no remaining teeth and is guaranteed not to irritate bleeding gums. |
 California cornflakes: This generously dusty domestic crop is suitable for casual freebasing any time of day. Goes with everything from trash-sourced chicken bones to cedar-planked salmon. |
 Friskie powder: A shade-grown coke available only two months out of the year, you’ll want to save this for special occasions like landing the new Apple campaign or getting out on parole. Hints of citrus and honey blossoms. |
 Paradise white: One of our finest candies, Paradise is a fair-trade cocaine synthesized by Colombian chemists earning a sustainable living wage. Recommended for use with locally-made base pipes. |
The Antiques of Truth
Mark Walberg hosts both “The Moment of Truth” on FOX and “Antiques Roadshow” on PBS. What if he forgot which one is which?
Alter ego via CNN…
MASTERING UPPERCASE LETTERS
IS YOUR WRITING TIRED AND LIMP LIKE ABE VIGODA IN THE MORNING?
YOU NEED THE POWER OF UPPERCASE! WITH UPPERCASE YOU CAN ENJOY MORE POTENT WORDS THAN EVERY LOWERCASE LETTER IN THE ENTIRE ALPHABET! COMBINED!
IN MASTERING UPPERCASE LETTERS YOU WILL DISCOVER:
- HOW TO GRAB SOMEONE’S ATTENTION USING UPPERCASE NAMES, SUCH AS “HELLO, GEORGE”
- HOW TO ADD OOMPH TO PROPER NOUNS, LIKE “I SENT A POUCH OF ANTHRAX TO THE WHITE HOUSE”
- HOW TO BETTER PROVE YOUR POINT, FOR EXAMPLE, “I WILL GET YOU”
PLUS…DID YOU EVER WISH YOU COULD TYPE UPPERCASE WITH ONLY ONE HAND? NOW YOU CAN, WITH MASTERING UPPERCASE LETTERS: ADVANCED EDITION. LEARN TO DEPRESS YOUR CAPS LOCK KEY PERMANENTLY AND FOREVER USING HOT GLUE.
ORDER MASTERING UPPERCASE LETTERS NOW AND RECEIVE A FREE LOWERCASE-TO-UPPERCASE CONVERSION KIT FOR UPDATING OLD MESSAGES!
Blogging as Osama
New gig writing under Bin Laden’s nom de plume, over at NewsGroper.com.
Resignations of lesser renown
- “In these past few days I have arrived at the difficult decision that my pursuit of new opportunities in general management will be in the best interests of my colleagues here at Kinkos Store #4157 on Sheridan Ave. It is my hope that their work, processing thousands of pages including 25 cent color copies daily, can continue without interruption.”
- “I have failed to live up to the standards I set for myself as lead singer of BITCH KILLAZ and for that, I am very sorry, and also drunk. I thank my bandmates for their love and understanding during this difficult time and hope that they will rock on and kill bitches not just for me, or for them, but for everyone.”
- “In looking ahead to my senior year of high school, I will be vacating my seat advising the President of the Class of ‘09 to focus on my studies and spend more time with my family.”
- “Two years ago I attempted to lose a great deal of weight and, in an effort to cut my calorie intake, I began drinking Diet Coke. I started with just a can a day, but despite my best efforts, it became increasingly difficult to limit my consumption. I am confident that my fellow executives here at PepsiCo will support my effort to take the time I need to seek treatment for this personal, professional, and painful problem.”
- “You can take this job volunteering to tutor at-risk youth and shove it!”
Cooks Illustrated Recipe: Boiled Water
Cooks Illustrated Recipe: Boiled Water
by Cooky McKitchener
Like many people, I enjoy the moist aroma and sinus-soothing vapors from a pot of boiling water. But it is often difficult to get a roiling boil just the way you remember it as a child. In my quest to perfect boiled water I began by collecting a dozen different recipes ranging from family hand-me-downs to restaurant standbys. But none of these recipes produced a water boil precisely as I remember it. Some were too slow and too dilute while others were dense and tough. All of the recipes shared a few typical ingredients, such as water. But otherwise they had little in common.
In my first effort to produce a reliable boiled water, I began with a cylindrical steel container, or “pot” as often called for in traditional recipes. Placing the pot four inches away from the flame, the water did eventually come to a boil, but it took six hours. This might have been acceptable in our grandparents’ day, but many of us no longer have so much time to spare. I then moved the pot closer, a mere two inches from the flame. Indeed, the water boiled in just three hours – a big improvement.
Still, tasters said that the boiled water exhibited a “metallic” tang. I suspected this off-note might have been imparted by the steel container or “pot” itself. Next, I removed the pot from the equation, pouring the water directly into the flame. As I’d hoped, the water boiled almost instantly, exhibiting just the warm vapor I was looking for.
Although direct contact with the burner did boil the water quickly, testers found it difficult to get close to the liquid without having their faces burned off by the gas flame. Clearly I needed to find another way.
I then remembered a vessel I’d received as a gift from an ex-mother-in-law that has been kept in a remote storage locker for many years. I drove there in my car at a speed of 30MPH. After observing that it was taking a long time to get there, I increased my speed to 60MPH. This worked well and I arrived at my destination in half the time.
The vessel is constructed with a layer of ceramic enamel enrobed over an iron core. It can hold about 8 quarts of liquid and weighs 400 pounds. I strapped the container to a trailer hitch and returned to the test kitchen.
Because of the vessel’s weight, I used a winch to lift it onto the burner. Once in place, I filled it with water and lit the stove. Voila! In just about ten minutes, there was a perfectly boiled pot of water. The steaming vapor had just the level of moisture I’d remembered, and because of the enamel coating, the boiled water did not take on any unwanted flavors.
BOILED WATER
1 heavy enamel-coated iron pot with winch
8 quarts of water
Lift pot onto burner and fill with water. Turn burner on high and wait ten minutes. Serve immediately.